Sunday, November 11, 2012

Justin Bieber Concert!

It's 1:47pm on Sunday, November 11th and once again, I'm eating lunch in my college cafeteria. Same food/drink except I added jello. I have work at 3 today so I have to leave at 2:30pm. The bow tie pasta and marinara sauce doesn't taste very good today. I'm wearing my elephant sweater. Does anyone else have that one piece of clothing  that just makes them happy for no real reason?

I have no idea why I choose to set the scene before my post.

On the 20th of October (a Saturday), I went to see Justin Bieber. A lot of people thought that I was joking when I told them. I obviously wasn't. We were sitting in the 3rd to last row, on the left hand side of the stage. Not good seats at all really, but I didn't care too much. Sadly they didn't even have the speakers facing our side so we couldn't hear anyone when they talked. Truthfully, I'm just glad I got to go. It doesn't bother me that most people don't understand why I like Justin Bieber.

I associate Justin Bieber with a lot of good memories. I hated him until last year--actually I didn't really have a strong opinion about him either way, but then my friend, Stephanie had a dream about him and it became our joke. I lived w/her and her family last year and Justin Bieber (as well as Curious George) brings back so many memories of my time w/them. We would have days when we would clean and dust the house and we would turn him on and dance and sing. It's little memories like that that just make me happy.

What started out as a joke, turned into something really important to me. When I walked into the arena, it hit me that Steph and I had finally made it. We had spent so much (my pen stopped working at this point so I had to stop writing and it made me super mad) time talking about it, but it didn't really hit me that we made it until we walked in and sat down. We even got a good picture of the moment.


I'm so glad I went. It was an amazing night! :)

I'd like to just pose a question: Do you have an obsession or guilty pleasure? Something that maybe no one else really understands, but you still like it? You don't have to answer if you don't want to, but it's just something to think about.

 Stay Beautiful xx
Kaili Shay

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Thoughts on November 10th: Alone

I'm sitting in my college cafeteria. It's emptier than it usually is on the weekdays, but I still hoped that their would be fewer people because hearing everyone talk around me makes me feel alone. I'm sitting alone. Being alone used to be something I enjoyed. While I did used to get lonely a lot, I still generally enjoyed the feeling of being alone with my thoughts. Today, however, I don't enjoy that feeling. 

 I want to go back to my apartment, but I know that I can't for a while. I want to talk to someone not over text message or over the phone. And I mean actually talking. I'm lonely today. It's 1:38pm on a November Saturday. I feel like I should be out enjoying the fall. It's perfect outside right now. Not too hot, but not cold. It's a gorgeous Saturday afternoon. I don't feel like I have anyone right now. I got asked by people to take their shifts today and I said no because I have laundry and homework to do, but I know that I can do them later. I never say no to taking shifts unless I have to, but I just didn't feel very well. I feel like I'm floating through life today. Not really touching the ground. I'm tired of being here (in this town I mean). 

There are these moments when I'm so happy. Those days are perfect. I have good friends, an amazing boyfriend, a great job, I'm independent, but it just takes a day like this for me to feel worthless. I have no one to talk to face to face today. I'm sitting here wallowing in self-pity. However, I know that this will pass. Today is just one day of my life. I have the power to change it if I want to. This time next year, I will (hopefully) be sitting in the heart of Chicago. I will be attending my dream school in the city I've wanted to live in since I was little.

Maybe right now I'm feeling lonely, sitting alone on a Saturday afternoon, with no makeup on and having not showered today, but things might be different tomorrow. I think that I should look on the bright side. I'm writing and it's making me feel better. Once I start to write things down, I start to feel like I understand my thoughts and everything becomes more clear. I have food in front of me: noodles and marinara sauce, a salad and a Dr. Pepper. It's good that I'm eating. I have The Help sitting in the booth with me. I'm so happy to be reading again. I'm wearing jeans for the first time since last year and I found a dollar bill in the pocket. The only money I have to my name. I'm going to go back to my dorm and watch Friends/The Proposal/Arrested Development/Jimmy Neutron/Fairly Oddparents/Other movies and shows that make me happy, read, write, do laundry, memorize lines for acting class and ultimately be happy for where I am in my life. And then, maybe, sleep.

I started this out feeling sad and alone, but I'm feeling better now.

It's 2:10pm and I'm signing out. 

Stay Beautiful xx
Kaili Shay

P.S. I wrote this out on notebook paper with my favorite red pen. It's easier for me to write my thoughts down on paper before I start typing and then I edit when I type. I think that I might do that more often.

Also, expect some pictures from the JBIEBS concert later today/tomorrow! :)

*I don't own any of this pictures

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Post Election

No one is ever going to be exactly like you. It's just not going to happen.

Yesterday was an important time in United States history.
I think that many people lost sight of what yesterday was really about. Why must we judge people for not viewing things in the same way we do? No matter who you voted for, you have to keep in mind that we are one country. We should stand united as one country. Yesterday was not about a winner and a loser. It was about electing a leader.

Now is the time in which the United States should stand together. Whether we like all of our neighbors doesn't matter. We are all in this together.

I saw so many terrible comments. So many people were quick to become angry at others who didn't have the same views. No one will ever agree with you on every point. It's just not reality. I think that a lot of people get so lost in "competition" that they forget to remember that we are one country whether we like it or not.

Whether you voted for Obama or Romney or Johnson or Stein or whomever, your voice will be heard. All you have to do is continue to be who you are. Talk about your views with others. Don't spend all of your time trashing everyone else for their views. And don't spend your time hiding from others. Make your voice heard.

Be respectful. Be proud. You matter.

Sunday, October 21, 2012


I got my 2nd tattoo. It's on my back and says "Always". When I tell people that it's a Harry Potter reference, they laugh. I'm not really phased by it. I know I won't regret it. Harry Potter is such a big part of me. They aren't just books to me, they're a whole other world that I can get lost in. Whenever I was struggling, Harry Potter saved me. These books made me laugh, and cry and think. I'm tearing up just writing about them. Why did I get a tattoo? Because I want to remember who I am. These books changed my life so drastically. Whenever I felt lost and alone, I knew I had this series to turn to. It's rare you find something that can change how you're feeling so quickly. I'm so happy that I did. I found these books in 3rd grade and they've been helping me ever since. J.K Rowling gave me my childhood. I grew up in a broken home and she picked up the pieces for me. She taught me that whenever I felt alone, someone was always going to be there.Something better was waiting for me. I lost myself in these characters. I found myself relating to them. Harry's broken family, Hermione's compassion and constant need to be right, Ron's insecurities and his families situation. I learned so much more from them, but this is what I can think of off the top of my head. The point is, Harry Potter means so much to me.

No one will understand what these books mean to me. It's my life. I think that my choices should be respected. Even if you don't understand why I do things, I think that's it's important to understand that you probably do things that I don't understand. I'm happy with my choices and that's what's most important.


I got Always because that's when I realized the books were really over. This word has so many meanings for me. I probably cried more at this line than any other part of the book.

Anyways, I went to a Justin Bieber concert yesterday and a Regina Spektor concert on Thursday. Yes, I did go to see Justin Bieber. And yes, I did enjoy myself. :) Probably (hopefully), more later.

Stay Beautiful xx
Kaili Shay

Sunday, September 30, 2012

Anchoring Myself.

On August 31st I got my first tattoo. It was an anchor.
Most people I knew were entirely supportive and thought that it was cool, but there are still those few whose reaction was: "Why did you get a tattoo?". And every time I looked at them and with the same exasperated tone they had when they asked me, I replied: "Because it's my body, my life and my decision to make. Because I did something that makes me happy. And because it means something to me."
And every time they looked at me and didn't reply or else they told me that I was right and that they just didn't understand the significance.

The truth is, I carefully think through everything I do. And before I got this tattoo, I gave it thought. I didn't just decide to get a tattoo of an anchor. This anchor symbolizes strength. All my life I've always thought that people would always leave me. I never thought that I mattered to anybody and for years I had this thought on my mind. Over the last year I realized that people will leave, but that doesn't change who I am. I am the anchor. It reminds to stay who I am. I'm going to get birds flying away from the anchor soon that wrap around to my back. The birds will represent change. No matter what changes, I will continue to be who I am. Those people who leave my life will continue to be just as important to me. I refuse to give in, I will fight back whatever I face.

I'm glad to have so many people who were extremely supportive of my tattoo. All of my siblings thought it was cool. My Mother even told me she was proud of me when I sent her a picture. I'm proud of myself for it to be honest.

I know that some people don't understand the point behind tattoos. Some people think that it's stupid and wrong, but it's not their life. This is something I did for myself. If you have a problem with it, I'm very okay with that. Everyone's entitled to think that.

Now the reason for this post is really to discuss my next tattoo. I'm going to get it in a few weeks most likely. And this tattoo is going to represent my love for Harry Potter. Something that I'm sure most people will think is stupid and trivial, but for me, it's important. More on that later. It's late. I'm tired.

Much Love.
Stay Beautiful xx

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Letter to an absentee father

I recently reevaluated my life. I've become a much better person since I graduated high school. I'm happier with who I am. I'm nice to everyone and I'm free of judgement. I accept everyone for who I am. I have an apartment with three friends and I am going to school. I am who I am and I refuse to change that. During this random reevaluation, I finally got up the courage to write a letter to my father. I haven't seen him since 2006. I wrote it about a month ago and finally got up the courage to send it tonight (with some edits to make it make sense). I felt the need to post this.

Hey, it has taken me a really long time to respond because I wasn’t sure where to start to be honest. I have no idea what I should say to you. I honestly feel like I don’t really know you in the first place, at least, not anymore.. It’s taking a lot out of me to write this and to contact you. I’m not the kid that you knew at one point, I’m an adult and I’m trying to work on becoming my own person, but in order to do that, I know I have to let some things go. I’ve learned however, that I’m not so good at forgetting. You’re my dad and no matter how hard we try and pretend you were there for me, we can’t. It’s hard to admit to myself that I’ve gotten to the places I’ve gotten by myself, but I know it’s the truth. I’m independent and I always have been and that’s mostly because of the family I was born into. I had a broken family. My Mum was always hurting and she could barely take care of herself.  Sometimes, I want to put her life back together for her. She had so many things she had to deal with in her life and in Alexa’s life, that I was always going to be last. I know it was hard for her. I know she had so many things to deal with and I understand that there is nothing I can do to change that. I am never going to hold that against her. She would have never had had the time to be my mother had she not dealt with the problems that her and my sister faced. She is the only parent I have ever known and she has sacrificed a great deal of her life for me and Alexa and for that I am grateful. My siblings all had their own lives to deal with and to lead. And then there is you. You who when I was a young child, I trusted more than I trusted anyone. You were my father. You were supposed to be there for me. You were supposed to be there to see me through all of my good memories and my bad ones. I would like to say that I just let it go, that I’ve moved on with my life, but I haven’t. I’m always going to feel worthless, I’m always going to feel like everything and everyone else is more important. I look back on my childhood and I know that it wasn’t a good one. I can pretend, but I know it will never change. All I wanted was you to be there when I started high school, when I lost my closest friend, when I started swimming and track, when I discovered I had Obsessive Compulsive Disorder which is something that has affected me in so many ways and no one tried and talked to me about it, when I became depressed, I wanted you to help me talk to Alexa when everything turned out so badly for her, I wanted you to see me in all of my theatre productions and to help me with my schoolwork, I wanted you to see me graduate and get my own apartment. You’ve missed so much. And I wish that there was something I could do to change that. What did I do? I can’t help, but blame myself. When I was a kid, my biggest goal in life was to make my parents proud. Now, I can’t help but think that I failed you. I failed both of you. And that’s why you left. That’s why you stopped talking to me. That’s why you never tried to get to know me. That’s why you ALWAYS chose alcohol before me. And that’s why I feel so helpless sometimes. I’m trying so hard to grow up and discover who I am, but I can’t do that until I let go of everything. It’s too exhausting to hold a grudge. I’m angry and disappointed at the world.
I don’t know how to move on, but I’m going to try. I want to at least try and have a relationship with you. And I feel like starting over is the only way to do that. So, here goes. I’m Kaili, I’m eighteen years old and I am your daughter all grown up. I started college a few weeks ago.. I’m going to the University here in town until I transfer to a better one. I plan on becoming an Interior Designer. I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and I have frequent anxiety attacks. I’m got a tattoo on my hip on August 31st. It’s going to be an anchor with birds flying away. It represents my life. No matter how many things change or leave, I will always ultimately stay the same. I will continue to “anchor” myself. I don’t know if that makes sense for me it does. It’s hard to explain.  I try and control everything. I’ve worked at a grocery store for the last 6 months and I love my job. I rarely wear anything besides skirts and dresses, but I sometimes wear non-denim shorts and skinny jeans. A lot of the time my clothes describe my mood. I plan on minoring in French in college and hope to one day travel to France and spend a month there. I have red hair, sometimes auburn, sometimes fire-engine red it depends on how bold I am that month. I can be crazy, moody, self-centered and stubborn, but my biggest fear in life is letting people down or hurting the people I care the most about. I’m planning a trip to London next summer with Jordan, as well as to California and Chicago. I want to move to Seattle, Chicago or Boston Fall 2013. Movies are my life outside of schoolwork and my job. My favorite shows are Friends and Doctor Who. Harry Potter is one of the most important things in my life. I cry a lot and am usually good at covering it up. I have a low self-esteem, but in the last year it has started improving. I have a lot of friends who I love and care for. I just got an apartment with two friends a couple weeks ago. I’m very proud of myself. A lot of people I know, mainly family members actually told me I would fail. I know I won’t. I’m hard-working and I know what’s important. I love and care Alexa more than she knows. She’s my baby sister and I never want to see her hurt. I know she’s hurting and I just have no idea how to help her. And I constantly worry about my Mum. Sometimes I don’t think she knows her own limitations. I’m also tired of seeing people hurt her. Sometimes Eric scares me because I don’t want him to lose what he has. Annie and Neven are good for him. I never want to see him lose his family. I feel like I can tell Eric anything without judgment and I hope he knows how important he is to me. I haven’t talked to Kenny in a long time, and I don’t know if I’m ready to right now. I’m proud of Danielle for what she has made of herself. She’s gone a long way since when she was a kid. And I hope that Nursing is a good path for her. Jordan is the sibling the closest in personality to me. I love and miss him so much and it makes me want to cry because I rarely see him and I know that neither of us can help that. My family is important to me and I never want to lose them. And then, there is you. I don’t know who you are. I only have foggy memories from when I was younger. Maybe one day that will change, but for now, that’s all I know. This has turned into more of a diary I’ve realized, but maybe it’s best that way.
In the end, all you really need to know is that I am who I am. I am proud of who I am. And I will never change who I am for anybody. I work hard. I’m independent. And I’m happy. I’m doing better living on my own than I ever did before.
-Kaili Shay

I'm actually quite relieved to have finally sent it. It needed to be done. And I gained the courage to do so.

Here is the tattoo I got on the 31st:

It has healed fully now. More on that and other things that are new in my life next week. I need to start blogging again. It's an important part of my life and a lot of things have happened since I last blogged.
Stay Beautiful

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

100 Things

Those were just some more highlights of my trip. In other words: pictures of me with my baby boy, Neven Daniel. I have the most adorable nephew on the planet and I love him so much. He's my favorite. As well as pictures of me with my kitties and my dog whom I miss. :)

I've been blogging since around March 2011. Since then, a person who has inspired me the most has been Sarah from A Lost Feather. I think that she is just a truly genuine person and she inspires me a lot. She has this portion of her blog dedicated to 100 things she wants to do. She seems to always be active and her list of 100 things inspired me to compile my own list. Now, I've been working and rewriting this list for the past year. And I'm stuck. I just don't know what else to put down for now. However, I do have a good number. Some of these may change, but here goes it:

100 Things

  1. Walk across a Broadway Stage
  2. Touch the Eiffel Tower
  3. Graduate from High School
  4. Get an apartment
  5. Write a Novel
  6. Go to Vidcon
  7. Go to London/Bath/See Big Ben
  8. Go to Rome
  9. Go to/Graduate from College
  10. Get a puppy! (Dachshund, Schnoodle or Dalmatian) 
  11.  Be accepted into College
  12. Get a main(ish) role in a big Theatre Company
  13. Design my Mum's house
  14. Get a tattoo
  15. Get my belly button pierced
  16. Live in Chicago
  17. Visit NYC
  18. Spend a day at the Grand Canyon
  19. Host a family/friend Christmas
  20. Learn sign language/Learn a new language
  21. Get a good, decent paying job
  22. Go on a road trip around the United States
  23. Go to Disneyworld
  24. Go to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter
  25. Take a trip to Ireland
  26. Go on a cruise
  27. Work/Volunteer at a non-profit organization
  28. Win a Writing Contest
  29. Go to a Vineyard in Napa Valley
  30. Go to Martha's Vineyard
  31. Get Married (for real!)
  32. Go to a Cherry Blossom Festival
  33. Ride in a Hot Air Balloon and don't die from anxiety
  34. Visit a Rainforest (which for some reason I keep writing down over and over)
  35. Own my own house and design/decorate it
  36. Start my own business
  37. Have a "pie" party
  38. Host a tea party
  39. Learn to play an instrument
  40. Go to a famous bakery
  41. Be a Maid of Honor
  42. Live in Seattle
  43. Go to a fashion show
  44. Have a baby (a real baby!)
  45. Visit Julia Child's kitchen
  46. Sew my own dress
  47. Design/decorate an entire house and get paid for it
  48. Intern at a magazine
  49. Go to Africa
  50. See the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade
  51. Live in Boston
  52. Host Thanksgiving
  53. Move to McHenry
  54. Design a Window Display for a department store
  55. Make Clam Chowder
  56. Meet Chameleon Circuit
  57. Visit the set of Doctor Who
  58. Adopt a child
  59. Get my Interior Design License
  60. Go to Leaky Con
  61. Tour Pixar Animation Studios
  62. Meet my best friend/love of my life
  63. Finish all the seasons of Lost
  64. Go to a Broadway Show
  65. Read 100 books in one year
  66. See an owl up close
  67. Direct a play/musical
  68. Go to a Blogger Meet-Up
  69. Post a vlog
  70. Start a Bake Shoppe 
  71. Study: Interior Design
  72. Crochet a Hat!
  73. See the Northern Lights
  74. Live in a laketown with a lighthouse
  75. Go to Ellis Island
  76. Attend a Death Cab for Cutie Concert
  77. Donate 12 inches of my hair :)
  78. See the lighting of the plaza Christmas tree
  79. Buy a Sewing Machine 
  80. Ice Skate in Central Park :)
  81. Become fluent in French
  82. Go to a Dave Days concert :)
  83. Visit the Doctor Who Museum
  84. Have over 100 followers on my blog
  85. Have over 100 subscribers on youtube
  86. Go to a One Direction Concert
  87. Go to a Justin Bieber Concert (hahahahaha)
  88. Move to a big city for my second year of college.

I did a Ladies Survey!

the questions:

1. Who are your favourite female YouTubers?
Jenna Marbles

2. Who are your favourite female athletes?
I don't really have one. Umm..? Ginny Weasley! :)

3. What is your favourite book written by a female with a female protagonist?
The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls it is amazing.

4. What is your favourite film written by a female with a female protagonist?
Any Nora Ephron movies! Especially, When Harry met Sally

5. Who is your favourite female fictional character?
Hermione Granger! Where would Harry Potter be without her?

6. What is the biggest problem facing female creators today (and any solutions)?
Comparisons between other creators and harassment. Everyone is different and we need to remember to think before we type because we could be hurting someone. I may be different than you, but that doesn't make me better in anyway.

7. Do you think youtube and online video in general are better or worse suited than television for tackling the problems and prejudices women face in the workplace?
Better, we are able to express ourselves without a script and we aren't sexualized (not a word? Hahaa) by producers. We get to be whomever we wish to be and youtube is a great opportunity to talk about what we want to talk about.

8. What do you pledge to do to make the internet a better environment for all creators?
Think before I type and accept everyone no matter who they are.

9. Tell us a story/secret whatever featuring women!
Just talking and sharing secrets with friends. Also, I guess this blog counts. I share secrets here all the time. :)

I tag you guys. Please do this survey and post a link to it down there! Also, if anyone can, subscribe to my youtube channel for more vlogging fun! Sorry for the quality of the video, I did it in a closet and I wasn't aware that there would be so much background noise..

Stay Beautiful xx
Kaili Shay :)

Monday, July 16, 2012

Chicago; Planning for London, VidCon and LeakyCon Summer 2013.

I started a vlog. It's just a way to talk about my life except out loud. I sound really annoying in the first two in my opinion, but I just started so I hope to get better as I go along. So, you guys should head over and give my videos a watch perhaps. :) Sorry for the quality and the annoying-ness.

I arrived back from Chicago which is nice. It was a long two weeks. I took some pictures of my sister  and my mom the last day. Here are a couple favorites:

Also, here is my favorite picture ever of my sister and I:

They are so gorgeous :)

Anyways, nothing is really new with me.. I'm really excited about the vlog I started so, I hope you guys will check it out. I've wanted to make one for a long time and now I finally am! :)

So, I'm planning out next summer already! I've been wanting to go to London for a really long time and I asked one of my brothers if he would want to go with me next summer and so, we are! I'm also planning on going to Anaheim, California for Vidcon next year and I also plan on going to Leakycon. Pretty exciting for me. I'm finally on my own. There is technically nothing keeping me grounded. I'm just happy. :)

Blogging really inspires me. It makes me feel like I can say anything and I like feeling like I can express myself. Thanks for giving me that power.

Stay Beautiful xx
Kaili Shay <3

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Cannot Wait....

Next week today.
I will be in Chicago. I am so excited right now! :)

I went to MOA with my friend Hanna on Monday and bought some new outfits. Just kind of a random happening that put me in a good mood. My Mum and sister are moving onto a lake so, I am hoping to get some pretty sweet pictures while I am there. We stepped into JCrew even though it is way out of my budget and I found this dress:
Gah. So expensive, but so nice.

And I shall leave you with some more pictures from my picture day with my friends:

 My tripod worked actually pretty well for the all three of us shots. Especially since i chose to use it from so far a way. 

I've been working pretty hard at finishing my canvas projects. I have done three. And I have 7 more drying as we speak. Tomorrow in between my busy schedule I just have to find time to get the paper off! :)

Stay Beautiful.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Summer Adventures

A few days ago (Saturday to be exact), my friends, Mandy and Hanna and I decided to go on a little adventure. We have a major problem. We ALWAYS go shopping together. It doesn't matter where-craft stores, fabric stores, clothing stores. And even when we say we won't buy anything we always end up spending tons of money. I'm the worst. Hanna wanted to buy some fabric from Joann's and I wanted to buy some supplies from Michael's so I could make this:

I went there expecting to spend maybe $40, but I went home having spent $120. $40 at Michael's. $40 from Bath and Body Works. And $40 on movies at Walmart (They were having those bargain $5 dvd sales. I couldn't pass it up).

It was good day though.
After shopping I suggested we have a picture day. I just bought a FinePix S4200 with my family after graduation.(I got $500 and a laptop for graduation! Did I tell you that?). Thankfully, the sun doesn't set until 8:30!

It was fun. It was kind of a windy so finding a place to take pictures was difficult, but Mandy suggested this rock/limestone wall she once saw on the outskirts of town. We were pretty sure someone owned the land because there was some construction stuff there and it looked like people had been shooting some scraps of wood, but there were no NO TRESPASSING signs so we decided to stay. I know smart, right? Anyway, I was pretty happy with my camera. It isn't super expensive ($179), but it worked well for me.

There were like 181 pictures by the end of the day so I will probably put my favorites up in the next week.
Here are a few ones that I took:

Stay Beautiful