Letter to an absentee father

I recently reevaluated my life. I've become a much better person since I graduated high school. I'm happier with who I am. I'm nice to everyone and I'm free of judgement. I accept everyone for who I am. I have an apartment with three friends and I am going to school. I am who I am and I refuse to change that. During this random reevaluation, I finally got up the courage to write a letter to my father. I haven't seen him since 2006. I wrote it about a month ago and finally got up the courage to send it tonight (with some edits to make it make sense). I felt the need to post this.

Dad-

Hey, it has taken me a really long time to respond because I wasn’t sure where to start to be honest. I have no idea what I should say to you. I honestly feel like I don’t really know you in the first place, at least, not anymore.. It’s taking a lot out of me to write this and to contact you. I’m not the kid that you knew at one point, I’m an adult and I’m trying to work on becoming my own person, but in order to do that, I know I have to let some things go. I’ve learned however, that I’m not so good at forgetting. You’re my dad and no matter how hard we try and pretend you were there for me, we can’t. It’s hard to admit to myself that I’ve gotten to the places I’ve gotten by myself, but I know it’s the truth. I’m independent and I always have been and that’s mostly because of the family I was born into. I had a broken family. My Mum was always hurting and she could barely take care of herself.  Sometimes, I want to put her life back together for her. She had so many things she had to deal with in her life and in Alexa’s life, that I was always going to be last. I know it was hard for her. I know she had so many things to deal with and I understand that there is nothing I can do to change that. I am never going to hold that against her. She would have never had had the time to be my mother had she not dealt with the problems that her and my sister faced. She is the only parent I have ever known and she has sacrificed a great deal of her life for me and Alexa and for that I am grateful. My siblings all had their own lives to deal with and to lead. And then there is you. You who when I was a young child, I trusted more than I trusted anyone. You were my father. You were supposed to be there for me. You were supposed to be there to see me through all of my good memories and my bad ones. I would like to say that I just let it go, that I’ve moved on with my life, but I haven’t. I’m always going to feel worthless, I’m always going to feel like everything and everyone else is more important. I look back on my childhood and I know that it wasn’t a good one. I can pretend, but I know it will never change. All I wanted was you to be there when I started high school, when I lost my closest friend, when I started swimming and track, when I discovered I had Obsessive Compulsive Disorder which is something that has affected me in so many ways and no one tried and talked to me about it, when I became depressed, I wanted you to help me talk to Alexa when everything turned out so badly for her, I wanted you to see me in all of my theatre productions and to help me with my schoolwork, I wanted you to see me graduate and get my own apartment. You’ve missed so much. And I wish that there was something I could do to change that. What did I do? I can’t help, but blame myself. When I was a kid, my biggest goal in life was to make my parents proud. Now, I can’t help but think that I failed you. I failed both of you. And that’s why you left. That’s why you stopped talking to me. That’s why you never tried to get to know me. That’s why you ALWAYS chose alcohol before me. And that’s why I feel so helpless sometimes. I’m trying so hard to grow up and discover who I am, but I can’t do that until I let go of everything. It’s too exhausting to hold a grudge. I’m angry and disappointed at the world.

I don’t know how to move on, but I’m going to try. I want to at least try and have a relationship with you. And I feel like starting over is the only way to do that. So, here goes. I’m Kaili, I’m eighteen years old and I am your daughter all grown up. I started college a few weeks ago.. I’m going to the University here in town until I transfer to a better one. I plan on becoming an Interior Designer. I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and I have frequent anxiety attacks. I’m got a tattoo on my hip on August 31^st. It’s going to be an anchor with birds flying away. It represents my life. No matter how many things change or leave, I will always ultimately stay the same. I will continue to “anchor” myself. I don’t know if that makes sense for me it does. It’s hard to explain.  I try and control everything. I’ve worked at a grocery store for the last 6 months and I love my job. I rarely wear anything besides skirts and dresses, but I sometimes wear non-denim shorts and skinny jeans. A lot of the time my clothes describe my mood. I plan on minoring in French in college and hope to one day travel to France and spend a month there. I have red hair, sometimes auburn, sometimes fire-engine red it depends on how bold I am that month. I can be crazy, moody, self-centered and stubborn, but my biggest fear in life is letting people down or hurting the people I care the most about. I’m planning a trip to London next summer with Jordan, as well as to California and Chicago. I want to move to Seattle, Chicago or Boston Fall 2013. Movies are my life outside of schoolwork and my job. My favorite shows are Friends and Doctor Who. Harry Potter is one of the most important things in my life. I cry a lot and am usually good at covering it up. I have a low self-esteem, but in the last year it has started improving. I have a lot of friends who I love and care for. I just got an apartment with two friends a couple weeks ago. I’m very proud of myself. A lot of people I know, mainly family members actually told me I would fail. I know I won’t. I’m hard-working and I know what’s important. I love and care Alexa more than she knows. She’s my baby sister and I never want to see her hurt. I know she’s hurting and I just have no idea how to help her. And I constantly worry about my Mum. Sometimes I don’t think she knows her own limitations. I’m also tired of seeing people hurt her. Sometimes Eric scares me because I don’t want him to lose what he has. Annie and Neven are good for him. I never want to see him lose his family. I feel like I can tell Eric anything without judgment and I hope he knows how important he is to me. I haven’t talked to Kenny in a long time, and I don’t know if I’m ready to right now. I’m proud of Danielle for what she has made of herself. She’s gone a long way since when she was a kid. And I hope that Nursing is a good path for her. Jordan is the sibling the closest in personality to me. I love and miss him so much and it makes me want to cry because I rarely see him and I know that neither of us can help that. My family is important to me and I never want to lose them. And then, there is you. I don’t know who you are. I only have foggy memories from when I was younger. Maybe one day that will change, but for now, that’s all I know. This has turned into more of a diary I’ve realized, but maybe it’s best that way.

In the end, all you really need to know is that I am who I am. I am proud of who I am. And I will never change who I am for anybody. I work hard. I’m independent. And I’m happy. I’m doing better living on my own than I ever did before.

-Kaili Shay

I'm actually quite relieved to have finally sent it. It needed to be done. And I gained the courage to do so.

Here is the tattoo I got on the 31st:

It has healed fully now. More on that and other things that are new in my life next week. I need to start blogging again. It's an important part of my life and a lot of things have happened since I last blogged.

Stay Beautiful

-Kaili