Saturday, November 10, 2012

Thoughts on November 10th: Alone

I'm sitting in my college cafeteria. It's emptier than it usually is on the weekdays, but I still hoped that their would be fewer people because hearing everyone talk around me makes me feel alone. I'm sitting alone. Being alone used to be something I enjoyed. While I did used to get lonely a lot, I still generally enjoyed the feeling of being alone with my thoughts. Today, however, I don't enjoy that feeling. 


 I want to go back to my apartment, but I know that I can't for a while. I want to talk to someone not over text message or over the phone. And I mean actually talking. I'm lonely today. It's 1:38pm on a November Saturday. I feel like I should be out enjoying the fall. It's perfect outside right now. Not too hot, but not cold. It's a gorgeous Saturday afternoon. I don't feel like I have anyone right now. I got asked by people to take their shifts today and I said no because I have laundry and homework to do, but I know that I can do them later. I never say no to taking shifts unless I have to, but I just didn't feel very well. I feel like I'm floating through life today. Not really touching the ground. I'm tired of being here (in this town I mean). 
 


There are these moments when I'm so happy. Those days are perfect. I have good friends, an amazing boyfriend, a great job, I'm independent, but it just takes a day like this for me to feel worthless. I have no one to talk to face to face today. I'm sitting here wallowing in self-pity. However, I know that this will pass. Today is just one day of my life. I have the power to change it if I want to. This time next year, I will (hopefully) be sitting in the heart of Chicago. I will be attending my dream school in the city I've wanted to live in since I was little.
 


Maybe right now I'm feeling lonely, sitting alone on a Saturday afternoon, with no makeup on and having not showered today, but things might be different tomorrow. I think that I should look on the bright side. I'm writing and it's making me feel better. Once I start to write things down, I start to feel like I understand my thoughts and everything becomes more clear. I have food in front of me: noodles and marinara sauce, a salad and a Dr. Pepper. It's good that I'm eating. I have The Help sitting in the booth with me. I'm so happy to be reading again. I'm wearing jeans for the first time since last year and I found a dollar bill in the pocket. The only money I have to my name. I'm going to go back to my dorm and watch Friends/The Proposal/Arrested Development/Jimmy Neutron/Fairly Oddparents/Other movies and shows that make me happy, read, write, do laundry, memorize lines for acting class and ultimately be happy for where I am in my life. And then, maybe, sleep.



I started this out feeling sad and alone, but I'm feeling better now.

It's 2:10pm and I'm signing out. 

Stay Beautiful xx
Kaili Shay

P.S. I wrote this out on notebook paper with my favorite red pen. It's easier for me to write my thoughts down on paper before I start typing and then I edit when I type. I think that I might do that more often.

Also, expect some pictures from the JBIEBS concert later today/tomorrow! :)

*I don't own any of this pictures



2 comments:

  1. Your blog is beautiful, I'm amazed, I started to follow you know.

    Xx
    /S / http:// mydarlingsolitude.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, I was amazed by your blog as well. :)

      Delete

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