Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Why it has taken me so long to post

I haven't posted since November because soon after that, my life started to unravel even more than it already had. I couldn't get out of bed in the mornings and I couldn't sleep at night. I would have frequent anxiety attacks that would cause me to become afraid of even myself and during one of these attacks, I couldn't grasp who I was as a person. I jumped out of bed and when my boyfriend tried to touch me I flinched. I wanted to do so well in college, but, sadly, that didn't happen. I ended up sleeping through 2 finals even with multiple alarms set and my boyfriend promising to wake me.
After the Fall semester, I had to take a break from college and reassess my life. I had been recently rediagnosed with severe depression and was put on the same medication that I took through high school to deal with my depression and OCD. I would like to say that things got better, but sadly, they didn't.
My best friend stopped talking to me (although her relationship with everyone is quite strained currently).
Eventually, my relationship with my boyfriend became strained because I felt as if it was too one sided. He would create plans over our plans or show up drunk or high claiming he forgot  And my apartment continued to have a bad energy. I did visit my brother field two weeks in Austin, Texas, which was a welcome change, but it ended up making it all the much harder to return.
I felt and still feel like a failure. I would have these moments of extreme emotion that would cause me to scratch my arms until they bled ans I would have to wear gauze on my arms for weeks and I would tell people I fell.
I don't know why I did it. Why I still do it, but I am completely ashamed of the scars in my arms.
The plan was for me to always leave in April. And I did, but right before I left, things actually got much worse. It's complicated, but it ended with me staying with different friends up until the day I left.
And I wouldn't even reply to my boyfriend's apologies because I guess I just don't know how to respond.
I am currently once again living in a bad living situation. I moved to Chicago to be near family for the Summer. I feel trapped and I continue to have anxiety attacks that cause me to leave a light in ans to cry myself to sleep some nights.

I'm hoping to transfer to University of Montana in the Fall and to begin a new life for myself. Things have been rocky for me and I hope foe better things in the future. I didn't really get into details in this because it would take months to write everything, and because I just want to let go. I've began to doubt myself and my potential and I would like to fix that.

Stay Beautiful
P.S. I got a haircut that I love! However, I need to remind myself to get dressed in the morning and actually do something with my hair.

If you want to follow me on instagram I am @kailishay

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Hey! Thanks for commenting! It's greatly appreciated that you have visited my blog! You are the reason I blog. Thank you for inspiring me.
Stay beautiful.