Why it has taken me so long to post

I haven't posted since November because soon after that, my life started to unravel even more than it already had. I couldn't get out of bed in the mornings and I couldn't sleep at night. I would have frequent anxiety attacks that would cause me to become afraid of even myself and during one of these attacks, I couldn't grasp who I was as a person. I jumped out of bed and when my boyfriend tried to touch me I flinched. I wanted to do so well in college, but, sadly, that didn't happen. I ended up sleeping through 2 finals even with multiple alarms set and my boyfriend promising to wake me.
After the Fall semester, I had to take a break from college and reassess my life. I had been recently rediagnosed with severe depression and was put on the same medication that I took through high school to deal with my depression and OCD. I would like to say that things got better, but sadly, they didn't.
My best friend stopped talking to me (although her relationship with everyone is quite strained currently).
Eventually, my relationship with my boyfriend became strained because I felt as if it was too one sided. He would create plans over our plans or show up drunk or high claiming he forgot  And my apartment continued to have a bad energy. I did visit my brother field two weeks in Austin, Texas, which was a welcome change, but it ended up making it all the much harder to return.
I felt and still feel like a failure. I would have these moments of extreme emotion that would cause me to scratch my arms until they bled ans I would have to wear gauze on my arms for weeks and I would tell people I fell.
I don't know why I did it. Why I still do it, but I am completely ashamed of the scars in my arms.
The plan was for me to always leave in April. And I did, but right before I left, things actually got much worse. It's complicated, but it ended with me staying with different friends up until the day I left.
And I wouldn't even reply to my boyfriend's apologies because I guess I just don't know how to respond.
I am currently once again living in a bad living situation. I moved to Chicago to be near family for the Summer. I feel trapped and I continue to have anxiety attacks that cause me to leave a light in ans to cry myself to sleep some nights.

I'm hoping to transfer to University of Montana in the Fall and to begin a new life for myself. Things have been rocky for me and I hope foe better things in the future. I didn't really get into details in this because it would take months to write everything, and because I just want to let go. I've began to doubt myself and my potential and I would like to fix that.

Stay Beautiful
-Kaili
P.S. I got a haircut that I love! However, I need to remind myself to get dressed in the morning and actually do something with my hair.

If you want to follow me on instagram I am @kailishay

Thoughts on November 10th: Alone

I'm sitting in my college cafeteria. It's emptier than it usually is on the weekdays, but I still hoped that their would be fewer people because hearing everyone talk around me makes me feel alone. I'm sitting alone. Being alone used to be something I enjoyed. While I did used to get lonely a lot, I still generally enjoyed the feeling of being alone with my thoughts. Today, however, I don't enjoy that feeling. 

 I want to go back to my apartment, but I know that I can't for a while. I want to talk to someone not over text message or over the phone. And I mean actually talking. I'm lonely today. It's 1:38pm on a November Saturday. I feel like I should be out enjoying the fall. It's perfect outside right now. Not too hot, but not cold. It's a gorgeous Saturday afternoon. I don't feel like I have anyone right now. I got asked by people to take their shifts today and I said no because I have laundry and homework to do, but I know that I can do them later. I never say no to taking shifts unless I have to, but I just didn't feel very well. I feel like I'm floating through life today. Not really touching the ground. I'm tired of being here (in this town I mean). 

 

There are these moments when I'm so happy. Those days are perfect. I have good friends, an amazing boyfriend, a great job, I'm independent, but it just takes a day like this for me to feel worthless. I have no one to talk to face to face today. I'm sitting here wallowing in self-pity. However, I know that this will pass. Today is just one day of my life. I have the power to change it if I want to. This time next year, I will (hopefully) be sitting in the heart of Chicago. I will be attending my dream school in the city I've wanted to live in since I was little.

 

Maybe right now I'm feeling lonely, sitting alone on a Saturday afternoon, with no makeup on and having not showered today, but things might be different tomorrow. I think that I should look on the bright side. I'm writing and it's making me feel better. Once I start to write things down, I start to feel like I understand my thoughts and everything becomes more clear. I have food in front of me: noodles and marinara sauce, a salad and a Dr. Pepper. It's good that I'm eating. I have The Help sitting in the booth with me. I'm so happy to be reading again. I'm wearing jeans for the first time since last year and I found a dollar bill in the pocket. The only money I have to my name. I'm going to go back to my dorm and watch Friends/The Proposal/Arrested Development/Jimmy Neutron/Fairly Oddparents/Other movies and shows that make me happy, read, write, do laundry, memorize lines for acting class and ultimately be happy for where I am in my life. And then, maybe, sleep.

I started this out feeling sad and alone, but I'm feeling better now.

It's 2:10pm and I'm signing out. 

Stay Beautiful xx
Kaili Shay

P.S. I wrote this out on notebook paper with my favorite red pen. It's easier for me to write my thoughts down on paper before I start typing and then I edit when I type. I think that I might do that more often.

Also, expect some pictures from the JBIEBS concert later today/tomorrow! :)

*I don't own any of this pictures

Letter to an absentee father

I recently reevaluated my life. I've become a much better person since I graduated high school. I'm happier with who I am. I'm nice to everyone and I'm free of judgement. I accept everyone for who I am. I have an apartment with three friends and I am going to school. I am who I am and I refuse to change that. During this random reevaluation, I finally got up the courage to write a letter to my father. I haven't seen him since 2006. I wrote it about a month ago and finally got up the courage to send it tonight (with some edits to make it make sense). I felt the need to post this.

Dad-

Hey, it has taken me a really long time to respond because I wasn’t sure where to start to be honest. I have no idea what I should say to you. I honestly feel like I don’t really know you in the first place, at least, not anymore.. It’s taking a lot out of me to write this and to contact you. I’m not the kid that you knew at one point, I’m an adult and I’m trying to work on becoming my own person, but in order to do that, I know I have to let some things go. I’ve learned however, that I’m not so good at forgetting. You’re my dad and no matter how hard we try and pretend you were there for me, we can’t. It’s hard to admit to myself that I’ve gotten to the places I’ve gotten by myself, but I know it’s the truth. I’m independent and I always have been and that’s mostly because of the family I was born into. I had a broken family. My Mum was always hurting and she could barely take care of herself.  Sometimes, I want to put her life back together for her. She had so many things she had to deal with in her life and in Alexa’s life, that I was always going to be last. I know it was hard for her. I know she had so many things to deal with and I understand that there is nothing I can do to change that. I am never going to hold that against her. She would have never had had the time to be my mother had she not dealt with the problems that her and my sister faced. She is the only parent I have ever known and she has sacrificed a great deal of her life for me and Alexa and for that I am grateful. My siblings all had their own lives to deal with and to lead. And then there is you. You who when I was a young child, I trusted more than I trusted anyone. You were my father. You were supposed to be there for me. You were supposed to be there to see me through all of my good memories and my bad ones. I would like to say that I just let it go, that I’ve moved on with my life, but I haven’t. I’m always going to feel worthless, I’m always going to feel like everything and everyone else is more important. I look back on my childhood and I know that it wasn’t a good one. I can pretend, but I know it will never change. All I wanted was you to be there when I started high school, when I lost my closest friend, when I started swimming and track, when I discovered I had Obsessive Compulsive Disorder which is something that has affected me in so many ways and no one tried and talked to me about it, when I became depressed, I wanted you to help me talk to Alexa when everything turned out so badly for her, I wanted you to see me in all of my theatre productions and to help me with my schoolwork, I wanted you to see me graduate and get my own apartment. You’ve missed so much. And I wish that there was something I could do to change that. What did I do? I can’t help, but blame myself. When I was a kid, my biggest goal in life was to make my parents proud. Now, I can’t help but think that I failed you. I failed both of you. And that’s why you left. That’s why you stopped talking to me. That’s why you never tried to get to know me. That’s why you ALWAYS chose alcohol before me. And that’s why I feel so helpless sometimes. I’m trying so hard to grow up and discover who I am, but I can’t do that until I let go of everything. It’s too exhausting to hold a grudge. I’m angry and disappointed at the world.

I don’t know how to move on, but I’m going to try. I want to at least try and have a relationship with you. And I feel like starting over is the only way to do that. So, here goes. I’m Kaili, I’m eighteen years old and I am your daughter all grown up. I started college a few weeks ago.. I’m going to the University here in town until I transfer to a better one. I plan on becoming an Interior Designer. I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and I have frequent anxiety attacks. I’m got a tattoo on my hip on August 31^st. It’s going to be an anchor with birds flying away. It represents my life. No matter how many things change or leave, I will always ultimately stay the same. I will continue to “anchor” myself. I don’t know if that makes sense for me it does. It’s hard to explain.  I try and control everything. I’ve worked at a grocery store for the last 6 months and I love my job. I rarely wear anything besides skirts and dresses, but I sometimes wear non-denim shorts and skinny jeans. A lot of the time my clothes describe my mood. I plan on minoring in French in college and hope to one day travel to France and spend a month there. I have red hair, sometimes auburn, sometimes fire-engine red it depends on how bold I am that month. I can be crazy, moody, self-centered and stubborn, but my biggest fear in life is letting people down or hurting the people I care the most about. I’m planning a trip to London next summer with Jordan, as well as to California and Chicago. I want to move to Seattle, Chicago or Boston Fall 2013. Movies are my life outside of schoolwork and my job. My favorite shows are Friends and Doctor Who. Harry Potter is one of the most important things in my life. I cry a lot and am usually good at covering it up. I have a low self-esteem, but in the last year it has started improving. I have a lot of friends who I love and care for. I just got an apartment with two friends a couple weeks ago. I’m very proud of myself. A lot of people I know, mainly family members actually told me I would fail. I know I won’t. I’m hard-working and I know what’s important. I love and care Alexa more than she knows. She’s my baby sister and I never want to see her hurt. I know she’s hurting and I just have no idea how to help her. And I constantly worry about my Mum. Sometimes I don’t think she knows her own limitations. I’m also tired of seeing people hurt her. Sometimes Eric scares me because I don’t want him to lose what he has. Annie and Neven are good for him. I never want to see him lose his family. I feel like I can tell Eric anything without judgment and I hope he knows how important he is to me. I haven’t talked to Kenny in a long time, and I don’t know if I’m ready to right now. I’m proud of Danielle for what she has made of herself. She’s gone a long way since when she was a kid. And I hope that Nursing is a good path for her. Jordan is the sibling the closest in personality to me. I love and miss him so much and it makes me want to cry because I rarely see him and I know that neither of us can help that. My family is important to me and I never want to lose them. And then, there is you. I don’t know who you are. I only have foggy memories from when I was younger. Maybe one day that will change, but for now, that’s all I know. This has turned into more of a diary I’ve realized, but maybe it’s best that way.

In the end, all you really need to know is that I am who I am. I am proud of who I am. And I will never change who I am for anybody. I work hard. I’m independent. And I’m happy. I’m doing better living on my own than I ever did before.

-Kaili Shay

I'm actually quite relieved to have finally sent it. It needed to be done. And I gained the courage to do so.

Here is the tattoo I got on the 31st:

It has healed fully now. More on that and other things that are new in my life next week. I need to start blogging again. It's an important part of my life and a lot of things have happened since I last blogged.

Stay Beautiful

-Kaili

Chicago; Planning for London, VidCon and LeakyCon Summer 2013.

I started a vlog. It's just a way to talk about my life except out loud. I sound really annoying in the first two in my opinion, but I just started so I hope to get better as I go along. So, you guys should head over and give my videos a watch perhaps. :) Sorry for the quality and the annoying-ness.
http://www.youtube.com/user/kaclar433?feature=mhee

I arrived back from Chicago which is nice. It was a long two weeks. I took some pictures of my sister  and my mom the last day. Here are a couple favorites:

Also, here is my favorite picture ever of my sister and I:

They are so gorgeous :)

Anyways, nothing is really new with me.. I'm really excited about the vlog I started so, I hope you guys will check it out. I've wanted to make one for a long time and now I finally am! :)

So, I'm planning out next summer already! I've been wanting to go to London for a really long time and I asked one of my brothers if he would want to go with me next summer and so, we are! I'm also planning on going to Anaheim, California for Vidcon next year and I also plan on going to Leakycon. Pretty exciting for me. I'm finally on my own. There is technically nothing keeping me grounded. I'm just happy. :)


Blogging really inspires me. It makes me feel like I can say anything and I like feeling like I can express myself. Thanks for giving me that power.

Stay Beautiful xx
Kaili Shay <3

Graduation and Family

I graduated from high school on June 3rd. And I had college orientation last week. It still feels so surreal! I just don't really know what I am supposed to do with myself now. I know that I am done with that chapter of my life, but it doesn't feel real for me.
It's really nice to be done, but really scary to be beginning a new life for myself.
Graduation day wasn't really anything special. I really just wanted it to be over with as soon as possible. I did however, get some pretty cute pictures. :) And I planned out that we would take family pictures as well. It was a nice weekend. I'm glad I got to see my family. :)

Every time my family is all together (which is hardly ever) my mum likes to take family pictures. One year it was Christmas themed (this was when we all lived together. One year it was black clothes (I lived with my mum and sister-elementary school). And one year it was white (I still lived with my mum and sister-high school). Well, it had been two years since I last saw my brother. The last time he came out to see me was the last time we took our family pictures. I also was in Fiddler on the Roof as a man and I had an awesome beard. So, Jordan and I spent the last two years telling my Mum that we were going to do family pictures with mustaches as our theme for our next family pictures! And we finally convinced her. :)
I wore my graduation dress for the pictures and they actually all turned out quite nice.

My sisters. <3

Oh. Life is good. I was a little stressed because I had to move everything out of the place I was living and into another friends house, but I did it. And now I am just happy. :)

Stay Beautiful.
Kaili

Live for today. Never wait for tomorrow.

 P.S  Alternate Title that is much too long: I met Bo Burnham, I'm going to a One Direction Concert, I'm Graduating in 7 Days not Counting the Weekend, And I'm Living Life to the Fullest
Oh, well hey there!
Let's catch up.
So....I would say I'm not the best consistence blogger. I have major problems writing on a regular basis. However, as of the latest events, that is going to change. If you haven't read about what happened at my school in the last week, here is a post about a freshmen girl, Sara who passed a way on Friday the 18th.
I have decided that no matter what happens, I will push through. I am so tired of saying that I am going to do something and then never following through. Why spend life talking about what I could do and saying I will do it later? There may not be a later.
I have learned to appreciate little things. Especially my relationships with people. Not just people I am close to, but everyone around me.

So, what exactly have you missed?
I found a new obsession: One Direction! Don't judge me! I actually legitimately like them. So, that's new. And Steph and I (pictured with me in two pictures above) bought tickets for their July 2013 concert. Yeah. I am a sad person but, I am who I am.

I also finally chose to accept my financial aid for next year at the University of Wisconsin-River Falls. I have to live in the dorms but I will survive. I hope my roommate likes the same things as me, and if she doesn't, then I hope I am able to introduce her to new things! I also hope our personalities are compatible. I just want the person I live with to be my friend. I'm 99% sure that I'm going to transfer to Columbia College Chicago after a year, though! I'm scared to do that because I want to make friends that last a long time and stuff. I don't want to make friends at UWRF and then switch schools!  I'll be fine I'm sure. It's just something I'm nervous for!

I'm very ready to graduate. People are so judgmental. I just want to surround myself with new people. I can never escape judgement but, being in a new environment is exactly what I need. I'm tired about the sly comments people make. They may be jokes but, at some point you cross the line from a lighthearted joke to a mean spirited one. I understand jokes that some of my friends will make at my expense. We joke around all the time. However, lately, I have noticed that people have begun to make comments to everyone purposely to make them feel bad about themselves. If you purposely insult something a person likes or is interested in constantly, knowing that they do, then that becomes a mean spirited thing. Yes, people throw insults around, and they also voice their opinions but, when you do it to make a person feel bad for being who they are, liking what they like, wanting what they want in life, or even feeling the way they feel, it becomes difficult to deal with.

I'm a distinctive person. I like the things I like, I act the way I act, I do the things I do. Don't insult me or make me feel bad for who I am. Don't tell me that it is stupid of me to enjoy or like what I like. All in all. Don't be cruel.
Let me be who I am.

On a more lighthearted note, I went to a Bo Burnham concert on May 2nd, 2012. It was absolutely amazing. The guy who opened for him was okay. I cut him some slack because it was obvious he was just starting out and he was still pretty funny. He played some new songs, and some old ones. His opening song was awesome. I love the way he performs. And his ending song was pretty sweet too! He sang "Nerd" and it sounded so awesome. 

Anyway, so I had twenty bucks on me and they were selling posters, dvds, and t-shirts. I wasn't sure if I wanted one so we came back after the concert and I bought a shirt because I didn't think that I would actually be able to meet him but, when I looked over I noticed a long line and realized it was the line to meet him! We only waited twenty minutes. It was worth it. He signed my shirt. We took a couple pictures and he GAVE US HUGS. He called us Jane Does so, we told him our names and he repeated them, which was wonderful. Then, right before we went to walk out the door, I slipped in that he was my best friend. I'm such a fan girl. 

He was super chill. So, that was a good night. Actually, it was the BEST NIGHT EVER. Bo Burnham. Touched ME. Twice.

 Love you all. Stay beautiful.

 P.S. I'm sorry that this post was so long. It's been a while since I posted.

Procrastination Means..watching youtube videos.. DFTBA and making fashion boards.

Yes, I am a Nerdfighter! For those of you who don't know what that means..SHAME ON YOU! Just kidding, but still that makes me quite sad :'(

So I haven't really been doing much lately..I had an extremely horrible/difficult day today, and when I came home I immediately curled up on the floor and fell asleep..Have I done any homework? Nope. Yeah..I should probably do some..But anyway, on another note, I made a playlist of DFTBA records and posted it over there >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

And I also made a inspiration board in my room! It's filled with inspiration of outfits and stuff that I enjoy, in a few weeks I am going to the mall and we are planning on buying some summer clothes! Thus, pretty soon I will be able to post some wonderful outfit pictures..Oh and my friends and I are going to make a Lion, Witch and the Wardrobe Parody (Prince Caspian) and I get to be the White Witch! And we are going to go to Goodwill and find some pretty kick ass outfits! :)

Yeah..it's nine at night which means I should probably do some stuff like you know..homework, perhaps? Yeah.

Love you all! :D