Thoughts on November 10th: Alone

I'm sitting in my college cafeteria. It's emptier than it usually is on the weekdays, but I still hoped that their would be fewer people because hearing everyone talk around me makes me feel alone. I'm sitting alone. Being alone used to be something I enjoyed. While I did used to get lonely a lot, I still generally enjoyed the feeling of being alone with my thoughts. Today, however, I don't enjoy that feeling. 

 I want to go back to my apartment, but I know that I can't for a while. I want to talk to someone not over text message or over the phone. And I mean actually talking. I'm lonely today. It's 1:38pm on a November Saturday. I feel like I should be out enjoying the fall. It's perfect outside right now. Not too hot, but not cold. It's a gorgeous Saturday afternoon. I don't feel like I have anyone right now. I got asked by people to take their shifts today and I said no because I have laundry and homework to do, but I know that I can do them later. I never say no to taking shifts unless I have to, but I just didn't feel very well. I feel like I'm floating through life today. Not really touching the ground. I'm tired of being here (in this town I mean). 

 

There are these moments when I'm so happy. Those days are perfect. I have good friends, an amazing boyfriend, a great job, I'm independent, but it just takes a day like this for me to feel worthless. I have no one to talk to face to face today. I'm sitting here wallowing in self-pity. However, I know that this will pass. Today is just one day of my life. I have the power to change it if I want to. This time next year, I will (hopefully) be sitting in the heart of Chicago. I will be attending my dream school in the city I've wanted to live in since I was little.

 

Maybe right now I'm feeling lonely, sitting alone on a Saturday afternoon, with no makeup on and having not showered today, but things might be different tomorrow. I think that I should look on the bright side. I'm writing and it's making me feel better. Once I start to write things down, I start to feel like I understand my thoughts and everything becomes more clear. I have food in front of me: noodles and marinara sauce, a salad and a Dr. Pepper. It's good that I'm eating. I have The Help sitting in the booth with me. I'm so happy to be reading again. I'm wearing jeans for the first time since last year and I found a dollar bill in the pocket. The only money I have to my name. I'm going to go back to my dorm and watch Friends/The Proposal/Arrested Development/Jimmy Neutron/Fairly Oddparents/Other movies and shows that make me happy, read, write, do laundry, memorize lines for acting class and ultimately be happy for where I am in my life. And then, maybe, sleep.

I started this out feeling sad and alone, but I'm feeling better now.

It's 2:10pm and I'm signing out. 

Stay Beautiful xx
Kaili Shay

P.S. I wrote this out on notebook paper with my favorite red pen. It's easier for me to write my thoughts down on paper before I start typing and then I edit when I type. I think that I might do that more often.

Also, expect some pictures from the JBIEBS concert later today/tomorrow! :)

*I don't own any of this pictures

Chicago; Planning for London, VidCon and LeakyCon Summer 2013.

I started a vlog. It's just a way to talk about my life except out loud. I sound really annoying in the first two in my opinion, but I just started so I hope to get better as I go along. So, you guys should head over and give my videos a watch perhaps. :) Sorry for the quality and the annoying-ness.
http://www.youtube.com/user/kaclar433?feature=mhee

I arrived back from Chicago which is nice. It was a long two weeks. I took some pictures of my sister  and my mom the last day. Here are a couple favorites:

Also, here is my favorite picture ever of my sister and I:

They are so gorgeous :)

Anyways, nothing is really new with me.. I'm really excited about the vlog I started so, I hope you guys will check it out. I've wanted to make one for a long time and now I finally am! :)

So, I'm planning out next summer already! I've been wanting to go to London for a really long time and I asked one of my brothers if he would want to go with me next summer and so, we are! I'm also planning on going to Anaheim, California for Vidcon next year and I also plan on going to Leakycon. Pretty exciting for me. I'm finally on my own. There is technically nothing keeping me grounded. I'm just happy. :)


Blogging really inspires me. It makes me feel like I can say anything and I like feeling like I can express myself. Thanks for giving me that power.

Stay Beautiful xx
Kaili Shay <3

Graduation and Family

I graduated from high school on June 3rd. And I had college orientation last week. It still feels so surreal! I just don't really know what I am supposed to do with myself now. I know that I am done with that chapter of my life, but it doesn't feel real for me.
It's really nice to be done, but really scary to be beginning a new life for myself.
Graduation day wasn't really anything special. I really just wanted it to be over with as soon as possible. I did however, get some pretty cute pictures. :) And I planned out that we would take family pictures as well. It was a nice weekend. I'm glad I got to see my family. :)

Every time my family is all together (which is hardly ever) my mum likes to take family pictures. One year it was Christmas themed (this was when we all lived together. One year it was black clothes (I lived with my mum and sister-elementary school). And one year it was white (I still lived with my mum and sister-high school). Well, it had been two years since I last saw my brother. The last time he came out to see me was the last time we took our family pictures. I also was in Fiddler on the Roof as a man and I had an awesome beard. So, Jordan and I spent the last two years telling my Mum that we were going to do family pictures with mustaches as our theme for our next family pictures! And we finally convinced her. :)
I wore my graduation dress for the pictures and they actually all turned out quite nice.

My sisters. <3

Oh. Life is good. I was a little stressed because I had to move everything out of the place I was living and into another friends house, but I did it. And now I am just happy. :)

Stay Beautiful.
Kaili

Live for today. Never wait for tomorrow.

 P.S  Alternate Title that is much too long: I met Bo Burnham, I'm going to a One Direction Concert, I'm Graduating in 7 Days not Counting the Weekend, And I'm Living Life to the Fullest
Oh, well hey there!
Let's catch up.
So....I would say I'm not the best consistence blogger. I have major problems writing on a regular basis. However, as of the latest events, that is going to change. If you haven't read about what happened at my school in the last week, here is a post about a freshmen girl, Sara who passed a way on Friday the 18th.
I have decided that no matter what happens, I will push through. I am so tired of saying that I am going to do something and then never following through. Why spend life talking about what I could do and saying I will do it later? There may not be a later.
I have learned to appreciate little things. Especially my relationships with people. Not just people I am close to, but everyone around me.

So, what exactly have you missed?
I found a new obsession: One Direction! Don't judge me! I actually legitimately like them. So, that's new. And Steph and I (pictured with me in two pictures above) bought tickets for their July 2013 concert. Yeah. I am a sad person but, I am who I am.

I also finally chose to accept my financial aid for next year at the University of Wisconsin-River Falls. I have to live in the dorms but I will survive. I hope my roommate likes the same things as me, and if she doesn't, then I hope I am able to introduce her to new things! I also hope our personalities are compatible. I just want the person I live with to be my friend. I'm 99% sure that I'm going to transfer to Columbia College Chicago after a year, though! I'm scared to do that because I want to make friends that last a long time and stuff. I don't want to make friends at UWRF and then switch schools!  I'll be fine I'm sure. It's just something I'm nervous for!

I'm very ready to graduate. People are so judgmental. I just want to surround myself with new people. I can never escape judgement but, being in a new environment is exactly what I need. I'm tired about the sly comments people make. They may be jokes but, at some point you cross the line from a lighthearted joke to a mean spirited one. I understand jokes that some of my friends will make at my expense. We joke around all the time. However, lately, I have noticed that people have begun to make comments to everyone purposely to make them feel bad about themselves. If you purposely insult something a person likes or is interested in constantly, knowing that they do, then that becomes a mean spirited thing. Yes, people throw insults around, and they also voice their opinions but, when you do it to make a person feel bad for being who they are, liking what they like, wanting what they want in life, or even feeling the way they feel, it becomes difficult to deal with.

I'm a distinctive person. I like the things I like, I act the way I act, I do the things I do. Don't insult me or make me feel bad for who I am. Don't tell me that it is stupid of me to enjoy or like what I like. All in all. Don't be cruel.
Let me be who I am.

On a more lighthearted note, I went to a Bo Burnham concert on May 2nd, 2012. It was absolutely amazing. The guy who opened for him was okay. I cut him some slack because it was obvious he was just starting out and he was still pretty funny. He played some new songs, and some old ones. His opening song was awesome. I love the way he performs. And his ending song was pretty sweet too! He sang "Nerd" and it sounded so awesome. 

Anyway, so I had twenty bucks on me and they were selling posters, dvds, and t-shirts. I wasn't sure if I wanted one so we came back after the concert and I bought a shirt because I didn't think that I would actually be able to meet him but, when I looked over I noticed a long line and realized it was the line to meet him! We only waited twenty minutes. It was worth it. He signed my shirt. We took a couple pictures and he GAVE US HUGS. He called us Jane Does so, we told him our names and he repeated them, which was wonderful. Then, right before we went to walk out the door, I slipped in that he was my best friend. I'm such a fan girl. 

He was super chill. So, that was a good night. Actually, it was the BEST NIGHT EVER. Bo Burnham. Touched ME. Twice.

 Love you all. Stay beautiful.

 P.S. I'm sorry that this post was so long. It's been a while since I posted.