BRAND NEW START PLEASE READ

So. I've decided to give this blog a rest. I don't like the URL or the blogtitle and I'm just not active on this blog anymore.
So for whomever sees this, I started a new blog the URL is:
http://www.impeccablykaili.blogspot.com

please follow this blog. It has a cleaner design and template and it's just an all around better blog.

Thanks lovelies.
Stay Beautiful
Kaili xx
http://www.impeccablykaili.blogspot.com

Boring days

I pretty much do nothing every single day and it sucks. Anyways, here are some pictures I took of myself when it was warm enough to go outside. :)

Going to post my Cinderella photoshoot that I did a few months back soon. I took some of my favorite pictures. :)

Why it has taken me so long to post

I haven't posted since November because soon after that, my life started to unravel even more than it already had. I couldn't get out of bed in the mornings and I couldn't sleep at night. I would have frequent anxiety attacks that would cause me to become afraid of even myself and during one of these attacks, I couldn't grasp who I was as a person. I jumped out of bed and when my boyfriend tried to touch me I flinched. I wanted to do so well in college, but, sadly, that didn't happen. I ended up sleeping through 2 finals even with multiple alarms set and my boyfriend promising to wake me.
After the Fall semester, I had to take a break from college and reassess my life. I had been recently rediagnosed with severe depression and was put on the same medication that I took through high school to deal with my depression and OCD. I would like to say that things got better, but sadly, they didn't.
My best friend stopped talking to me (although her relationship with everyone is quite strained currently).
Eventually, my relationship with my boyfriend became strained because I felt as if it was too one sided. He would create plans over our plans or show up drunk or high claiming he forgot  And my apartment continued to have a bad energy. I did visit my brother field two weeks in Austin, Texas, which was a welcome change, but it ended up making it all the much harder to return.
I felt and still feel like a failure. I would have these moments of extreme emotion that would cause me to scratch my arms until they bled ans I would have to wear gauze on my arms for weeks and I would tell people I fell.
I don't know why I did it. Why I still do it, but I am completely ashamed of the scars in my arms.
The plan was for me to always leave in April. And I did, but right before I left, things actually got much worse. It's complicated, but it ended with me staying with different friends up until the day I left.
And I wouldn't even reply to my boyfriend's apologies because I guess I just don't know how to respond.
I am currently once again living in a bad living situation. I moved to Chicago to be near family for the Summer. I feel trapped and I continue to have anxiety attacks that cause me to leave a light in ans to cry myself to sleep some nights.

I'm hoping to transfer to University of Montana in the Fall and to begin a new life for myself. Things have been rocky for me and I hope foe better things in the future. I didn't really get into details in this because it would take months to write everything, and because I just want to let go. I've began to doubt myself and my potential and I would like to fix that.

Stay Beautiful
-Kaili
P.S. I got a haircut that I love! However, I need to remind myself to get dressed in the morning and actually do something with my hair.

If you want to follow me on instagram I am @kailishay

Justin Bieber Concert!

It's 1:47pm on Sunday, November 11th and once again, I'm eating lunch in my college cafeteria. Same food/drink except I added jello. I have work at 3 today so I have to leave at 2:30pm. The bow tie pasta and marinara sauce doesn't taste very good today. I'm wearing my elephant sweater. Does anyone else have that one piece of clothing  that just makes them happy for no real reason?

I have no idea why I choose to set the scene before my post.

On the 20th of October (a Saturday), I went to see Justin Bieber. A lot of people thought that I was joking when I told them. I obviously wasn't. We were sitting in the 3rd to last row, on the left hand side of the stage. Not good seats at all really, but I didn't care too much. Sadly they didn't even have the speakers facing our side so we couldn't hear anyone when they talked. Truthfully, I'm just glad I got to go. It doesn't bother me that most people don't understand why I like Justin Bieber.

I associate Justin Bieber with a lot of good memories. I hated him until last year--actually I didn't really have a strong opinion about him either way, but then my friend, Stephanie had a dream about him and it became our joke. I lived w/her and her family last year and Justin Bieber (as well as Curious George) brings back so many memories of my time w/them. We would have days when we would clean and dust the house and we would turn him on and dance and sing. It's little memories like that that just make me happy.

What started out as a joke, turned into something really important to me. When I walked into the arena, it hit me that Steph and I had finally made it. We had spent so much (my pen stopped working at this point so I had to stop writing and it made me super mad) time talking about it, but it didn't really hit me that we made it until we walked in and sat down. We even got a good picture of the moment.

 

I'm so glad I went. It was an amazing night! :)

I'd like to just pose a question: Do you have an obsession or guilty pleasure? Something that maybe no one else really understands, but you still like it? You don't have to answer if you don't want to, but it's just something to think about.

 Stay Beautiful xx

Kaili Shay

Thoughts on November 10th: Alone

I'm sitting in my college cafeteria. It's emptier than it usually is on the weekdays, but I still hoped that their would be fewer people because hearing everyone talk around me makes me feel alone. I'm sitting alone. Being alone used to be something I enjoyed. While I did used to get lonely a lot, I still generally enjoyed the feeling of being alone with my thoughts. Today, however, I don't enjoy that feeling. 

 I want to go back to my apartment, but I know that I can't for a while. I want to talk to someone not over text message or over the phone. And I mean actually talking. I'm lonely today. It's 1:38pm on a November Saturday. I feel like I should be out enjoying the fall. It's perfect outside right now. Not too hot, but not cold. It's a gorgeous Saturday afternoon. I don't feel like I have anyone right now. I got asked by people to take their shifts today and I said no because I have laundry and homework to do, but I know that I can do them later. I never say no to taking shifts unless I have to, but I just didn't feel very well. I feel like I'm floating through life today. Not really touching the ground. I'm tired of being here (in this town I mean). 

 

There are these moments when I'm so happy. Those days are perfect. I have good friends, an amazing boyfriend, a great job, I'm independent, but it just takes a day like this for me to feel worthless. I have no one to talk to face to face today. I'm sitting here wallowing in self-pity. However, I know that this will pass. Today is just one day of my life. I have the power to change it if I want to. This time next year, I will (hopefully) be sitting in the heart of Chicago. I will be attending my dream school in the city I've wanted to live in since I was little.

 

Maybe right now I'm feeling lonely, sitting alone on a Saturday afternoon, with no makeup on and having not showered today, but things might be different tomorrow. I think that I should look on the bright side. I'm writing and it's making me feel better. Once I start to write things down, I start to feel like I understand my thoughts and everything becomes more clear. I have food in front of me: noodles and marinara sauce, a salad and a Dr. Pepper. It's good that I'm eating. I have The Help sitting in the booth with me. I'm so happy to be reading again. I'm wearing jeans for the first time since last year and I found a dollar bill in the pocket. The only money I have to my name. I'm going to go back to my dorm and watch Friends/The Proposal/Arrested Development/Jimmy Neutron/Fairly Oddparents/Other movies and shows that make me happy, read, write, do laundry, memorize lines for acting class and ultimately be happy for where I am in my life. And then, maybe, sleep.

I started this out feeling sad and alone, but I'm feeling better now.

It's 2:10pm and I'm signing out. 

Stay Beautiful xx
Kaili Shay

P.S. I wrote this out on notebook paper with my favorite red pen. It's easier for me to write my thoughts down on paper before I start typing and then I edit when I type. I think that I might do that more often.

Also, expect some pictures from the JBIEBS concert later today/tomorrow! :)

*I don't own any of this pictures

Post Election

No one is ever going to be exactly like you. It's just not going to happen.

Yesterday was an important time in United States history.
I think that many people lost sight of what yesterday was really about. Why must we judge people for not viewing things in the same way we do? No matter who you voted for, you have to keep in mind that we are one country. We should stand united as one country. Yesterday was not about a winner and a loser. It was about electing a leader.

Now is the time in which the United States should stand together. Whether we like all of our neighbors doesn't matter. We are all in this together.

I saw so many terrible comments. So many people were quick to become angry at others who didn't have the same views. No one will ever agree with you on every point. It's just not reality. I think that a lot of people get so lost in "competition" that they forget to remember that we are one country whether we like it or not.

Whether you voted for Obama or Romney or Johnson or Stein or whomever, your voice will be heard. All you have to do is continue to be who you are. Talk about your views with others. Don't spend all of your time trashing everyone else for their views. And don't spend your time hiding from others. Make your voice heard.

Be respectful. Be proud. You matter.